... Huh? You what? Oh, you think I was talking about...? EWWWWWWWW! You're a sicko man. That's nasty. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Perhaps I should clarify further so all you sickos don't get the wrong idea.

The stopper thingy in the tank on the back of my toilet doesn't always close up after you flush the toilet. So a few days ago, the stopper thingy didn't stop and by the time I pause my riveting game of The Need For Speed and notice what happened, there are about two inches of water in my floor.

Well shit. No problem. I grab a towel and sop up the water in the floor. Eventually it's clean, and so naturally, no more mess, no more problem, right? So after I clean it up I turn on the tub faucet because I figure I'll take a shower. No problem, right?

Knock knock knock.

So I answer the door. It's my downstairs neighbor.

"Have you had any problems with leaks?" he asks me.

So how do you tell a guy, "Yeah, about two inches of toilet water just seeped through my floor. That must be it." The correct answer is, you don't. Lie. Lie lie lie.

"Uh, no," I tell him with probably the most panicked poker face in the world. "Nothing going on up here." It's at this point I realize there is a very audible bathtub noise in the background. So I say, "I was about to take a shower, but that's it." So I go turn the shower off and he bids me farewell. *Sigh*. That was lucky. Oh well. That's the end of that. Right?

So I take my shower and I'm about to leave. As I step outside I see my neighbor again. Uh-oh. Better continue to play dumb.

"Did you ever figure out what happened?" I ask him.

"Well, when you shut the water off the leaking stopped." Well duh. I sopped up the water in the floor like three minutes before that.

Then I get real lucky. Here comes Vern, the maintainance guy. "Hey Vern," my nimrod neighbor shouts. "Shit!" I shout in my head.

So he tells Vern the whole situation. Vern concludes it must be my tub. All of this time, my smart side is screaming, "TELL HIM YOU IGNORANT FUCK! TELL HIM THE REASON!"

"You think so?" I say, my dumbass side pleased with my stubborn ability to be a fucking idiot.

So now I'm sitting in my apartment with a dumbass plumber who can't find a problem because it doesn't exist and I can't leave to go to class because I'm not leaving Mr. Crackass alone with my DVDs.

So. If you're ever in this situation, remember the following key tips:

A) Don't be a lying dumbass.

AND

B) That's about it.