Every day I walk into my room and she's sitting on the computer cranking out about 80 pages on the printer about the current state of Anthrax or Y2K or UFO invasions or how Bill Clinton is a cocaine-addicted mass-murdering sleeping-with-the-Chinese-to-get-nuclear-weapons type of guy. She never looks up sports scores, or mp3s, or screwball midget porn like every other normal human on the face of the earth. Just the paranormal.

And then comes cackling to me, telling me about these people being CREDIBLE SOURCES because they have their own INTERNET SITE or RADIO SHOW and WHO THE HELL AM I to question these EXPERTS who tell their INTELLIGENT CREDIBLE VIEWERS AND LISTENERS we're going to DIE with all the subtlety of a POWERBOMB THROUGH A TABLE.

My mom spent thousands of dollars on Y2K supplies. I wish I was making this up, I really do, for my own sake. She rented a storage shed and filled it, FILLED it, with Dinty Moore Beef Stew and canned foods and 50 gallon barrels of water. She bought a kiddie pool so we could bathe. She wanted to get another rabbit so we could breed them for meat if we had to. God, I really wish I was making that one up. She wanted to buy A GUN so she could protect our investments from the other 200 million Americans who weren't nearly as resourceful or smart as she was.

Y2K never was a problem. So we ate the food, right? We drank the water, right? We used the pool for recreation, right? We used the gun and shot Mom in the leg so she couldn't do anything else to the family for a while, at least a month, right? Sadly, no.

There she sits, in August, still cackling, still being a prophet about OTHER important things that are going to destroy the world, like mutant maggots who thrive on the world's medicine so the common cold will kill even the strongest man.

You doubt me? If her Internet sites said they exist, Mom would flock to the stores for contraband weaponry to kill the bastards. Hell, if I made up a diary called "vengefulscientist.diaryland.com" and used it to predict the Earth being consumed by a swarm of killer junebugs, she would probably take it as a credible source because it says "scientist". After all, she still thinks Y2K exists, but its negative effects have not yet set in. Art Bell told her so.

So if you ever come into town to see the Amazing Disgruntled Dwarf Woman, just look for the house with food piled in the backyard and the nuke launcher in the front. She'll be the 4'11" witch with a bazooka on the roof screaming about ebola in the city tap water.

I'll be in college, thank God.