For those of you who don't know me personally, which is probably most of you, let me just remind you that I am a film student. And I live in my own apartment off campus. Which means one very important thing: If a friend wants to film in my apartment, then I am just a pesky obstacle in achieving that goal.

Last week, J.J. asked to film in my place. Cool. He had to cover up some posters to make the room look more appropriate. Cool. I had plans when he needed to film, could he borrow the key and start without me? Cool. After all, he only needed to cover up some posters. That's all he asked me to do, so that's all he would do, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *breathe* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA... *sigh*.

I left. J.J. arrived. I came home. My personal belongings had been moved (3 days later, I still can't find my clock). My computer had been removed. My posters had been removed. My trophies had been removed. A blanket had been NAILED to my wall (Not tacked, NAILED). He tore my beautiful beautiful place to pieces. I came home to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE. And this was only Day 1. The next day he decided he had to scatter my baskets of dirty laundry throughout my living room. He needed to put ketchup and chocolate syrup on ALL my dishes. He needed to paint a giant frowny face on my mirror in shaving cream. He decided to fill my bathtub up with water, red food coloring, yellow food coloring, MILK, and BITS OF BREAD, and then put A MAN WITH BOXERS AND A TEE SHIRT ON INTO MY BATHTUB.

I don't recall this being part of the agreement. So, being quite respectful, I think, considering the circumstances, I called him a "cock" and a "dick" and a "fuckhead". I did so "jokingly" and asked him in as polite a tone as I could, in not so many words, what the fuck he had done to my place and how he expected me to not slaughter him and put his dead carcass in that mess of a bathtub. Maybe there was a tiny bit of hostility in my tone. His reason: "You knew we had to film, I told you we had to cover stuff up... You knew what we had to do."

Right. It works that way in other places too, right? Like the hospital. "Well, Mr. Smith, yes, I know you only had appendicitis, but when we got in there, your kidneys and bladder were kind of in the way, so we took them out too. You'll be peeing in a bag forever, but we did what we felt was necessary. After all, you weren't around at the time to ask if it was all right, so we just figured, ya know?"

So they cleaned up, of course. As far as using real cleaning liquids, you know, such as pouring bleach down my drain after letting milk and bread go down there, well, I didn't have any. I told them to go buy some, after all, they swore up and down to clean my place afterwards, and I think the LEAST they could do is buy the cleaning stuff to clean with, right? "Oh, we have plans tonight, we don't have time, we'll just use good old fashioned gumption." Thanks a lot, fugghead. Your good old fashioned fucking "gumption" makes my drain smell like good old fashioned "shit".

Anyway, I hope this teaches all of us a valuable lesson. It taught me one. When I take psychology, I'm going to call him up nice and early every morning, like 3. When he gets mad, I'll just explain: "I have a paper on psychology to write, and I want to see how a human reacts to this. I'm just doing what I have to do for a project. If it interferes with your life, that's a shame. You told me you owed me for the whole apartment filming thing, I assumed you'd be glad to do this for me. I know I didn't ask, but I didn't see you,I just figured. Anyway, I'll call you tomorrow!

And I will. Believe me, I will.