From May to August of 2000, I was a telemarketer (Please don't hurl jagged rocks at my throat). I called people from 5:00 to 9:00 at night in the middle of dinner and attempted to convince them of the advantages of refinancing their homes. Most of my conversations went something like this:

ME: Could I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Spittlemeyer?

MRS. SPITTLEMEYER: Click.

And so it went. If I did talk to someone, I usually ended up feeling like shit for wasting their time and annoying them, like so:

ME: Could I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Boingwiener?

MR. BOINGWIENER: This is Dave Boingwiener, what can I do for ya there sport?

ME: Um, I'm calling on behalf of Pacific Guarantee Mortgage, and... um, I'm so sorry sir, I don't want to bother you, I'll just go ahead and take your name off of our list and we'll never call you again. I'm so sorry...

MR. BOINGWIENER: Wait, are you calling about refinancing? That's something I'd like to do. I'll set an appointment with you. What time would you like me to come in?

ME: Click.

And so it went. So I wasn't exactly salesperson material. That's not to say we didn't have fun. Me and Robb (The guy in the next cubicle over) somehow made time pass. Neither of us liked to bother these people, but at the same time, it was our job, it was how we paid our bills, so when people were rude to us, we weren't gonna stand idly by. No sir.

ROBB: Hello ma'am, my name is Robb and I represent Pacifi--

AGITATED MA'AM: Do you know what time it is?

ROBB: I think it's about five to nine.

AGITATED MA'AM: No, it's after nine, and I'm trying to sleep, and if you ever try to call me agai--

ROBB: What-EV-er! Click.

Heh. We called her every night at 8:55 for the next week and a half.

By the way, the list of celebrity names I called: Steven Baldwin, Dave Barry, George Burns, Scott Hall, George Jones, Michael Jordan, Rodney King, Rob Lowe, Tim McGraw, Richard Moll, Caroll O'Connor, John Ritter, Jonathan Swift, Lawrence Taylor, and Danny Thomas.

Of course, those aren't near as fun to call as the people with fun names. You know, people who just stick their name in the phone book, unaware of the repercussions. Like this one guy - his last name was Enos, but he only wanted his first initial in the book, not the whole name. And his first initial was P. So I look at my list of leads and what do I have staring me in the face other than: P Enos.

P Enos.

Damn.

Similarly, there was a J Walker, but that just wasn't quite as much fun. Other fun names included: Jerk Heath, Fook Yu Fung, and... It's funny because it's true... Dick Jacka.

Why would you tell people to call you Dick if your last name is Jacka? That's like, hi, my name is John Richard Socker but I like my middle name, and I like shortening that so just call me Dick Socker. Jeez. Some people just deserve crank calls.

But anyway, telemarketing is a fun job. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't receive enough verbal abuse from total strangers and people who don't stress enough about keeping their job.

I'll be in my apartment, hanging up on you.