...

INSTANCE 1

My roommate and I were cleaning the apartment and suddenly he chimes in:

PAUL: "Hey me and Leryn were talking last night about what Friends we are. We decided that I'm (I don't remember what Friend he said he was, I wasn't listening to him until he mentioned me... I dunno... He smells like, and probably masturbates as much as, Marcel the monkey... I think he claimed to be a combination of Ross and Joey. But I digress). We also figured out who you are, BJ.

ME (Intrigued): Who am I?

PAUL: You're a combination between Chandler... and Ross!

ME (Waiting for why): Why, Paul?

PAUL: Well, you're Ross because you're pathetic. And you're Chandler because you're a smartass.

ME (Slightly insulted): Pathetic?

PAUL: Well, when it comes to girls, yeah.

ME: Oh.

Now if it had been just Paul, that wouldn't bother me, I'd just make comments about his thinly disguised homosexuality and inevitable confession of lust for me. But the fact that he had this discussion with Leryn, an impartial observer to all that is the wonder of BJ... Sort of insulting in a sad-but-true fashion. "Hey BJ, we were talking, and we decided you're pathetic." Thanks, guys. But it gets oh-so-better.

...

INSTANCE 2

I was hanging out with my duo partner when Paul came up in conversation for no apparent reason.

JESSICA: So Paul and I were discussing what animals we are.

ME: And? What was Paul?

JESSICA: He's a tiger.

ME: Uh...

JESSICA: According to him.

ME: Figures. Did you guys figure out what I am?

JESSICA: Actually, yeah. We decided that you're... a panda.

...

Okay, folks, now I'm just as funny har-har ready-to-take-a-joke as the next guy, but from what I gather here, my roommate is a sleek sexy tiger and I am a big dumb lumbering pathetic panda. I'm definitely feeling the love.

Fucking Paul.