So anyway.

I noticed a few important things in my Christmas shopping this year, and I, being the helpful gent that I am, am going to pass that knowledge off to all of you who haven't completed your Christmas shopping yet. So without further ado:

BIG DADDY SPANKBOTTOM'S HANDY DANDY HELPFUL GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR THE DESPERATE LAST MINUTE SHOPPER. We all want our Christmas shopping to be as painless as possible, and with a few handy tips we can be as efficient as BJ.

1. 99% of men's cologne smells like Avon SkinSoSoft. Save a lengthy wait in the lines at Target. Head to your nearest drugstore and buy your loved one an Econo-bottle of mosquito repellant. This gives you more time and money for your Christmas shopping, and this gives your loved one ten times the scrumptious scent of Sierra cologne.

2. Instead of waiting in hour long lines at Best Buy or Virgin Megastore, instead find presents for your loved ones in those empty shops, like Barnes & Noble. Give the gift of reading to your loved ones, because sure as hell no one else seems to be, so that'll cut down on waiting in line a helluva lot.

3. Purchasing goods over the Internet can be quick and painless since you never even have to leave the comfort of your own home; you can avoid the hassle of traffic, crowds, and searching for that one special gift. Unfortunately, it's the 21st already, so you're damn good and screwed. Good job thinking of that a week ago, dumbass.

4. Assign special meaning to useless crap. For example, my brother and I used to spend hours playing with Construx, an old toy much like Legos. In my Christmas scurries today, I was shocked to discover an old, old box of Construx being sold at 50% off. So for 7 measly bucks I was able to get a gift for my brother, and since it has "sentimental value", it's more valuable than anything money can buy, and now I have more money for blackjack and hookers.

5. Speaking of hookers, while a call girl may seem like an ideal gift for that loved one on the go, make sure to poke holes in the box if she will be enclosed for more than a couple of days. We don't want another scene like last year, do we?

6. Many people say friends are like family and they deserve presents too. These people are full of shit.

7. When shopping for loved ones, always ask yourself, "What would be the type of present I would like to receive?" That way, if they don't like it maybe they'll give it to you.

8. One can always turn to the television for helpful holiday hints. Remember, Santa himself endorses fine products such as Coca-Cola, California cheese, and Budweiser. So if all else fails, you at least have a gift idea for Dad now.

9. If you forget gifts for someone and that person calls you on it, blame your memory lapse on something like the poor economy or something. No one can make you feel bad if you're poor, or they come off like jerks.

9. Remember, when all else fails, add your name to someone else's gift.

As you finish your shopping these next few days, keep these hints in mind and make this Christmas shine as a memorable holiday for everyone in your life. And if that doesn't happen, drink too much beer and fall asleep watching TV like so many other Americans and you'll be just fine.

Happy holidays from the Beej.