And I would like to use this opportunity of me being alive and all to bitch and moan a bit.

I work with retards.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: But BJ, you're a retard. And to that I drool all over myself and say DURRRRRRRR. And also, fuck you. YOU'RE a retard.

Anyway.

When I refer to the retards at work, I'm not talking about my fellow common coworkers, although sometimes I think I should. My firing range today is going to be limited exclusively to management, or as I like to call them, the motherfucking lazy useless pieces of trash that for some reason can tell me what to do even though I'm not entirely sure they can wipe correctly without help from at least three people.

..........

Lisa is the new assistant manager at Kinko's. I am fairly certain that if that mom on the Brady Bunch and Judge Judy were to mate, Lisa would be their unholy and exceptionally tidy offspring. Apparently the assistant manager's job is to aggravate pissed-off customers and organize the envelope boxes in the break room that no one has even acknowledged since the store opened in like 1996.

But bless her heart, she tries to learn. She watches us work to try to grasp everything. The only problem with this is that she tries to learn by standing behind you and breathing down your neck.

Here is your average coworker-to-coworker space bubble:

O <-About 1-2 feet-> O

Here is Lisa's space bubble:

OO <-About 0.0 feet

Moving right along...

..........

James is the other assistant manager. Far less attracted to me, I fear, for he has a more important love - that of shoving his head straight up our branch manager's rectal orifice. James also does the scheduling, which results in a timely and efficient process when you need time off. Say you need June 10th off of work. Here is the process:

April 30 - You inform James that you need June 10th off work.

May 7th - You remind James that you need June 10th off work. He thanks you for reminding him; he had forgotten. He will work on it this weekend.

May 10th, 18th, 26th, June 3rd - See May 7th.

June 7th - You ask James for an update. He began seeking a replacement approximately 47 seconds ago. He may not be able to find coverage.

June 9th - James could not find coverage in time. He needs you to come in. Next time ask for time off further in advance.

June 10th - You call in sick.

..........

And at the helm of this fine and dandy crew is Bob, who is better known around the branch as, "The Guy Who Allegedly Runs This Place Even Though He Hides From The Customers In His Office And Spends Hours At A Time Out Of The Branch On 'Business'. Oh, And Also Has A Pointy Forehead That One Could Probably Ski Off Of Should The Weather Be Cold Enough."

Bob has all the charisma and charm of say, Sam Kinison.

CUSTOMER: Your machine printed out my copies with black lines all over them; I think it needs to be called in for service.

BOB: Okay, tell you what, I'll only make you pay for half of the copies you made on it then.

CUSTOMER: But it's your machine's fault...

BOB: Look, I'm trying to run a business here, but if the customers won't work with us then we have to part ways. Don't come back to my store!

I guess Bob has what the French call a certain, "Je ne sais quois; non, je sais, c'est la merde."

Look it up.

Anyway, that's the management team here at Kinko's. It's sort of like a twisted family. Bob's the stern breadwinning father who's secretly gay but can't tell his family so he's just a dick. Lisa cleans and tells everybody to mind their father. And James is the spoiled smug son who crashes daddy's car but won't ever get in trouble because Daddy's too drunk, and gay, to figure out what happened.

I love my job.