BIG DADDY SPANKBOTTOM'S HANDY DANDY HELPFUL GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR THE DESPERATE LAST MINUTE SHOPPER, VOLUME II. These shopping tips are sure to make the holidays fly by so fast you'll swear you drank a gallon of jet fuel and blacked out through all of them.

1. Many of us are operating on a limited budget. Fortunately, our fashionable loved ones are going for a slightly more inexpensive look this year. For example, the Britney Spears "Gap" look is slowly being phased out by the Avril LaVegne "I Found This Outfit In The Shed Underneath The Blankets My Dog Sleeps On" look.

2. For the conspiracy theory mother in your family, how about a big tub of water for when the government puts us all under martial law and we can't get water anywhere else?

3. For the son of the conspiracy theory mother in your family, how about buying him earplugs so he doesn't have to listen to it any more?

4. All of us know how difficult it can be to shop for the person who has everything. I have found that it's actually not too hard. Don't buy them shit.

5. Fruitcakes are very versatile Christmas gifts. They can be used as footballs, doorstops, paperweights, or even hammers. Better yet, they can be given as gifts from household to household, year after year. They truly are the gift that keeps on giving.

6. Children under the age of three generally use their toys for little more than teething objects/drool receptacles. So to save time and money, just hit the chew toy section of your local PetCo.

7. Speaking of PetCo, many people think it is cute when they buy their pets Christmas presents. These people are retarded.

8. Different religions celebrate Winter holidays at different times. Therefore, if you time it just right, you can theoretically hop from religion to religion and avoid gift giving altogether.

Hopefully I have been able to drop some pearls of wisdom on you all. Good luck with your Christmas shopping. Happy Holidays, especially if you're buying me something. If not, to hell with you.