In the one year plus that I have been compiling sad but true stories about disgruntled dwarf women, those pinnacles of human perfection that crawl out of the sewer to make copies every day at Kinko's, and the like, I have never once provided you, my loyal readers, with educational and possibly beneficial information. Thus today, I am going to provide a public service to you all. Today, we're going to read:

BIG DADDY SPANKBOTTOM'S HANDY DANDY HELPFUL GUIDE TO LIFE FOR THE SINGLE MALE COLLEGE STUDENT. We all want to maintain a healthy home environment, but young men often don't learn the best way to go about achieving this because when they are living with their parents they are too busy doing manly things such as burping and smelling their armpits. Luckily, yours truly has been out of the house for a year and has consequently learned a couple of basic rules.

1. Folding wooden tables, commonly seen on such hit television programs as WWF Smackdown!, are not appropriate storage for objects such as 29-gallon aquariums that weigh close to 300 pounds, unless supported underneath the center by one or more kitchen chairs with a stack of books on them.

2. Insects, rodents, and bugs, while cute and especially attractive to females, are typically not a good thing to have around the apartment. It is probably a good idea, especially during the summers, to clean up everything that a typical pest, especially an ant, might construe as food, such as old TV dinner plates, half-eaten hard candies, and stereo equipment. You may often be surprised; pests will eat anything, and most household objects, including rolled up newspapers, insect spray, household chemicals, and NUCLEAR FUCKING WEAPONRY CAN'T FUCKING KILL THESE FUCKING ANTS.

3. Ants sure do love Advil, don't they?

4 While energy bills are both necessary and a good way to build up credit, any roommate that turns on the air conditioner and leaves the windows open at the same time is asking for a nice healthy kick in his/her nuts, and may be better off sleeping the fuck outside.

5 When opening a refrigerator and discovering a less than pleasant odor, before spending precious time digging through the fridge to discover the source, try to figure out another way to deal with the problem. Ask yourself questions, such as, "Will my roommate eventually notice that rank smell and maybe clean it out so I don't have to?" Remember, a job done by someone else is still a job done.

6 One key to a healthy relationship with your roommate is resourcefulness. If your roommate spends unnecessary grooming time in the bathroom when nature calls, don't be confrontational; this only creates hostility. Instead, think of non-confrontational solutions, such as, "If I drink the rest of this milk, I'll have an empty one-gallon container..."

7. Having a roommate can cut into masturbation time severely. Keep track of your roommate's sleep and work schedule and act accordingly.

8. Did your mother stock up on a whole shitload of food and supplies for Y2K thinking that it ould wipe out the whole planet? If so, ask her for some stuff every time you go home if she doesn't force you to bring boxes of it back with you anyway. If not, well then maybe you should have thought of that before you made fun of my mom so much, huh? Thought so.

9. If you live in an expensive area, like New York or Southern California, pack your bags and move to a real sewer like Phoenix where you can afford to live.

10. When all else fails, start panhandling.

With these helpful hints, you can be well on your way to living like me. And I turned out just fine.