I was going to post an interesting essay I wrote for a friend, but since professors tend to get anal and check the Internet for plagiarism and all, I figured I'd go ahead and post one I wrote for my roommate a while back, since the plagiarism fear is now nil. I'll post the new one later. Until then, enjoy.

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Paul Brown

Sociology 1010

9/25/2001

Exam # 1

Procrastination

�Procrastination is like masturbation; it�s fun until you realize you�re just fucking yourself.� This quote is probably one of the most important things to learn from the college experience, right next to, �Absolut Mandrin, Peach Schnapps, and Yoo-Hoo don�t make such a hot drink.� Right now, it is 12:34 AM. This paper is due in less than nine hours. I began work on this paper, oh, approximately seven minutes ago. Hopefully, in about twenty-three more minutes I will be able to get up from my computer and go watch Batman on DVD for the third time. I find this DVD inspirational at this late hour; because I too, much like Batman, dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. I do not interfere with the daily routine of Gotham�s most dangerous minds. I do not stress to balance my life as a crime-fighter with my life as a multi-billionaire entrepreneur. And no, I do not wear black rubber bat-suits with visible nipple protrusions and play with my �batarang�. I do, however, procrastinate. So what�s so bad about procrastination? Well, personally, I have no real problems with it; it�s gotten me this far, and I�m not about to stop doing it now. As a matter of fact, college students in general seem to have little to no problem with staying up for an entire night with some No-Doz and a fine textbook, such as HTML Programming In The Early Nineteenth Century. �Indeed, if we look at the college culture as a structure of time, we can see that it breeds procrastination almost like certain yeasts breed yogurt culture.� But for some strange reason, older Americans, such as college professors and misers who tell us that we wouldn�t know work if it smacked us on our heads, think that procrastination is a diabolic institution that only breeds whores and criminals. So it is on that note that I analyze the causes, effects, and solutions to procrastination.

Procrastination has one real cause hidden by many sub-causes. People only procrastinate for one real reason: They would rather be doing something else. This may include a number of different activities, including sleep (For all the film majors), getting high (For all the criminal justice majors), and staring at ourselves in the mirror and flexing our nonexistent abdominal muscles (Pretty much just me). In other words, we�re lazy. �The student who does not suspect herself of laziness doesn�t exist.� Often, the student does not do his work because he sees no immediate reward for his efforts. When one works a fast-paced job, he receives a paycheck and uses it to buy things. When one does leisurely activities, such as watching movies or playing video games, he feels happy because he is having fun. When one does a huge amount of work on an assignment , he often receives� nothing. Therefore, seeing no fruits for his labor, the student does not wish to participate in work and instead chooses to indulge in a game of Tony Hawk�s Pro Skater 2. It is not until the course is two days from being over and the student has used his textbook as little more than a coaster that we see a real problem: the danger of failing and having to take the class over again. This is why procrastination, and not a total apathy towards class, is common: the student has good intentions but does not seek to do anything about it until the situation is dire. And even then he wants to bust a couple of 720 ollies on Tony Hawk 2 before he does anything about it. Myself included. Which brings us to the effects of procrastination.

As I type this, I have a certain, let�s see, how shall I put it, anxiety about this paper. I have this anxiety for several reasons. First of all, this paper is now due in less than eight hours. Secondly, I have begun to realize that this paper is a much larger undertaking than a half hour. Third, I�m missing Battlebots. The most severe effect of procrastination, however, is also the most obvious. Later today I will be in class - very, very tired. And I won�t be the only one, because I am not unique in my laziness. Bell describes the typical college student�s final days in preparation for a big exam: �About three weeks before the end of every semester, the college atmosphere becomes noticeably more harried.� She then goes on to describe the symptoms that we all get at one time or another: bloodshot eyes with dark circles around them, shaky hands, increased sales of caffeinated beverages , and a general feeling of exhaustion. Indeed, procrastination is not healthy. But what can be done about it?

There are several potential solutions to procrastination. I say �potential� because I�m about to list a bunch of things we can all do to better ourselves as students, but no one who actually procrastinates is going to do any of them. Most people will think, �Yeah, that would be cool,� and then return to their evenings of watching WWF Raw Is War, much like my retarded roommate. Bell suggests setting aside �approximately fifteen to thirty hours a week as best you can in addition to your class meetings.� She also suggests that students �replace self-laceration with self-discipline�. In other words, it is vital for the student to force himself to work hard instead of screwing himself, as our masturbatory friend from the first sentence tends to do. This may be very difficult for those of us who do put things off; however, the benefits of doing so can be impressive. The student who makes a little time each day to do work ahead of time has an incredible burden lifted from his shoulders, and he feels as if he has dropped an enormous weight, much like John Popper of Blues Traveler. However, he must maintain this work ethic, or he will gain all of his weight back, and then drop it again, and then gain it back again, ad nauseum, much like Oprah Winfrey. Whatever one�s solutions to procrastination may be, it is important to prevent getting burned out, as this would make the quality of any completed work suck.

I have analyzed the causes and effects of procrastination and suggested some possible solutions. Could this have been a better paper? Yes. Could it be an A paper? No, because I refused to put in the time to make it an A paper. But that would be real nice. Tonight I played the system and did the bare minimum, and hopefully I can continue my streak of squeaking out a passing grade. It is now 2:27 AM. Class begins in just over seven hours. I have seven hours left. I rule.